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Click pic to view comments - Confirmed sighting: Sprite Zero Confirmed sighting: Sprite Zero
Posted: 17:32 Mon 02-Aug-2004. Price: 85 new pence. Location: Centra, Botanic Avenue, Belfast. Nutritional unusualness: "0 Carbs, 0 Sugar".
"Kaptain Korolev" reports: The Kaptain was first alerted to the presence of this "re-imagining" of the Spriting juice through an autobus shelter advertisement on his action packed journey to the workplace. With its blue bottle he assumed it was a new beverage, a new taste of the Sprites, the Kaptain hoped for a different taste. Thus when he spied a bottle at luncheon today the Kaptain bought one immediately. However his excitment quickly waned on trying the beverage as it turned out to be nothing more than rebadged Diet Sprite/ Sprite Light, not even a new artificial sweetner was used to alter its foul khemical flavours. The Kaptain cannot help to feel sorry for the karbing karbs. As a cyclist they are the Kaptain's friend but modern Atkinian society hates the karbs and kasts them off like a foul smelling poo package.

...The "Kaptain" here confirms rumours from the start of the year regarding this rebranding as Sprite Zero - if you're looking for karbs (sorry) carbs, there's always the "innocent" range being heavily promoted at this weekend's London "Fruitstock" event which go from more than 15g/ 100ml for some of their smoothies, to 13.8g/ 100ml for "really lovely juice - oranges, mangoes and lime", or a mere 10.5g/ 100ml in the lemon and lime "innocent juicy water". And, as last year's "little book about innocent's summer marketing activity" proudly points out, they're also more expensive "with greater cash margins" than any other smoothie brand. Yummy!


Posted: 20:45 Mon 02-Aug-2004 by Snackspot # permalink comment
Comment: oh and if you've ever been tempted to sign up for Innocent's email newsletter, here's a sample of the incisive entertainment you'll be subjected to every week:

***************- **************

Office mate of the month - July '04

Once again it was a tough decision, and a very close competition. But the good people of Fruit Towers have spoken, and the office mate of the month is the lovely Jeremy, nominated by Cath. Apart from being her "great mate," he has a novel way of dealing with boring people who won't go out to lunch, by simply picking them up and carrying them into the lift. Not only does he test out potentially dodgy tree house steps, but he also knows a Motivation Fairy. A case of drinks and our special rosette will be winging their way to him. And don't forget, there'll be another chance to nominate your favourite office buddy next month.

***************- *************

...to which my typical reaction is, increasingly: OH GOD SHUT UP WITH THE "NICE" THIS AND "LOVELY" THAT - HOW OLD ARE YOU PEOPLE? 12?

Posted: 02:44 Tue 03-Aug-2004 by "elmsyrup" # permalink comment
Comment: The lovely Jeremy sounds like a wanker. Also, if he carries *any* 'boring people' to the lift, do you have to be below a particular weight to be employed there? Sounds like a certain fascinating kind of torture though, peeking into their horrible office culture. Almost worth subscribing to. *Almost*.
Posted: 06:20 Tue 03-Aug-2004 by "charl" # permalink comment
Comment: um, doesn't physically carrying resisting people into a lift break some kind of human rights legislation? it reads like the 'lush times' written by ned flanders.
Posted: 12:00 Tue 03-Aug-2004 by "smo" # permalink comment
Comment: i read an article in the FT about innocent. the author decided to take them up on all their "nice" offers. he rang up the "banana phone" - and had an hour long conversation with an employee. then he turned up at "fruit towers", and instead of being gently moved on, he was taken on a tour, given free smoothies, introduced to the whole "crew" and asked his opinion on new flavours. i'm not sure what this proves - perhaps that too much blended fruit renders you clinically insane?
Posted: 12:09 Tue 03-Aug-2004 by "Nebbish" # permalink comment
Comment: The idiot child Timothy obviously hasn't worked out that if you're a contractor you can charge for the time spent eating at your desk.
Posted: 12:43 Tue 03-Aug-2004 by "Badly Lost on G" # permalink comment
Comment: If this drink's got "0 Carbs", doesn't that automatically imply that it has "0 Sugar" too?
Posted: 16:24 Tue 03-Aug-2004 by Snackspot # permalink comment
Comment: yes - maybe they could also mention that it therefore necessarily contains 0 "complex carbohydrates" as well, such as starch or potato

personally, I reckon the "Innocent" people are high on the combined effects of their products' massive sugar rush *and* greater cash margins - here's another sludgy mouthful of their irritatingly ingratiating newsletter baby-talk:

***************- ***************- **************

TV-am fame

After having all of those wedding photos taken, our Peter enjoyed being in front of a camera so much, he managed to appear on Ireland's very own TV-am. Armed with blenders and ready prepared fruit, he mixed up some lovely drinks using recipes from our recipe book, one of which we've popped below. His charm, wit, and ability not to spill a drop of smoothie anywhere, stood him in good stead, and now he's had a taste of stardom, who knows where he might end up.*


*Peter is available for birthdays, weddings and other ceremonies, as long as certain conditions are met. These include: 4 white lilies, a platter of fruit (at room temperature) and a mobile marine fish tank installed in his dressing room.


Posted: 02:17 Mon 16-May-2005 by "Stevie Nicks" # permalink comment
Comment: Wow, it's like those eerie public services employees who make everything seem like good news by saying it with a smile. Or that 'in't milk brilliant' sketch by Paul Whitehouse. Your train's late, wonderful! You just fell on your arse on a brilliant cobbled floor, fantastic! Hey, your cat's dead, sunshine and flowers all around!

What tickles me is the most expensive/greater cash margins thing in the booklet. (They even managed to call a graph "lovely" methinks somebody's been sniffing solvents) Aren't we nutty hippies amazing? We're ripping off our customers and yet we remain the fastest growing smoothie company! How fabulous! How foolish the lovely lovely public are!

Never going to buy any of their stuff again, bunch of misty eyed, happy clappy rip off merchants... They say "lovely" too much.

Posted: 18:32 Thu 16-Jun-2005 by "biskitz4cheez" # permalink comment
Comment: I have to confess, I did find the comment 'contents may separate (but mummy still loves daddy)' on an Innocent Smoothie bottle mildly amusing. Well worth paying for. 18868 9
Posted: 20:52 Thu 03-May-2007 by "laffy taffy " # permalink comment
Comment: wat does sprite zero contain damn

Posted: 15:49 Tue 25-Mar-2008 by "dgi_n" # permalink comment
Comment: the innocent people are just taking the piss with their email - since when did they have to be serious?

their email clearly shows that living on 100% fruit makes you a happy person

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